13 Years Old

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As a junior bridesmaid at the wedding of a dear and long-time babysitter, September 2015.  You were so grown up, standing up at the altar, I gasped out loud.

Dear Grace,

Well, it’s here.  You’re thirteen.  Today.  This fact is inconceivable and inevitable at the same time.  And extraordinary.

In the last six months you’ve turned into a full-blown young woman in front of our eyes, and I stare at you with outright awe on a regular basis. Sometimes you sense my gaze on you and turn, looking over at me and saying, “what?” as you flick your ponytail off your neck.  I always smile back and shake my head, murmuring “nothing.” My colicky baby, my pigtailed little girl, she’s all gone now, absorbed into this long, lean person who’s almost my height and who wears my shoes (though they’re getting tight) and who runs way faster than I do.  The only time I can still glimpse the baby you were is when I creep in to kiss you goodnight before I go to bed.  Your face in slumber contains shadows of the baby and little girl you were.

You really are a teenager: on a regular basis you cycle between moods with such velocity I can’t keep up. Still, so far, we always come back to the bond we’ve shared for 13 years.  I’ve written often about my fears about these years, and, suddenly, they’re upon us.  In some ways, I’m glad they’re finally here.  As usual, I was daunted by the dark cloud of anticipation and fear, and the arrival of the rain has brought with it a kind of relief.  I studied the mother-daughter bond in these years, and the often-painful separation that marks it, 20 years ago, as a senior in college.  And now I am living through the process I studied so closely.  Then, I identified as the daughter, striking out from her mother, but now, I’m on the opposite side of the table.  I knew this season would be emotional, but it surprises me daily how much.

Here we go.  You’re lately demonstrating a new kind of groundedness. There’s a lot of social drama this year at school, and an undercurrent of both nascent boy-girl tension and friendship uncertainty animates many of your days.  You have been talking about wanting to remove yourself from this drama, and that makes me very happy to see.  We speak often of focusing on school, and family, and running, and of distancing yourself from influences that make you feel bad.  I know I can’t insulate you from the social whitewater that swirls around seventh grade – and furthermore I know I shouldn’t, even if I could – but I’m proud to see you choosing to step away from it as much as you can.  I hope that home continues to be a safe place, a bulwark against the anxieties of school.  A place where we can keep curling up next to each other to read, give compliments at family dinner, watch Survivor, and talk about what happened in your day.

Sports have become a very important part of your life.  You played tennis a lot this summer, and well.  We cheered you to the 12 and under championship at our tennis club.  You’re a new but passionate hockey player.  Cross-country continues to be your primary focus, and these days you run at least five days a week. You demonstrate a commitment and determination to succeed in sports that is as foreign to me as it is inspiring.  You are also a real team player.  At one of your early cross-country meets you finished and then, when I said it was time to go (I had been standing around in the rain for a while!), you told me you wanted to cheer on the rest of the team.  And you did, standing at the finish line cheering every person on by name the very last runner crossed.  Late last week you were voted one of the team’s co-captains, and we could not be prouder.

You love to write and read and are making a real effort not to say that you’re “bad at math.”  You’re not.  Science is probably your favorite subject and you still want to be a vet when you grow up.  You have a job, walking a neighbor’s dog twice a week.  You often bring her by to see me as you head out, and each time I notice the tangible bond that exists between you.  I’m sorry that we don’t have a dog.  I’ll be honest and blame the fact that I work from home and that we don’t have a yard as much as your brother’s terrible dog hair allergy.  I hope that your relationship with Gracie, the well-named chocolate lab three doors down, can assuage some of your grief and frustration that we don’t have our own puppy.

You’re so responsible and organized that sometimes I forget that you are just thirteen.  I never ask you about your homework or remind you what needs to be taken to school on a given day.  You simply have it all under control.  You room is the neatest and least cluttered in the house.  You have beautiful handwriting and you read and type quickly.  I hope that your devotion to order and your deep desire to make others happy leave room, somehow, for some mess.  It’s only in midlife that I’ve learned the magic that can exist in chaos, whether virtual or literal. I was a kid much like you, Grace, with a deep-seated need to please and perform.  I know from many years of devoted map-following that you have to learn this lesson for yourself, though I’m still looking for ways to help guide you to it.  I also know you’re living your life, not mine.  I am standing at the side of your race course, cheering you on.  I know you can’t really see me, because you’re in the woods.  I can’t always see you.  But I’m here, and I’m going to cheer until the end of time.

Last Friday you texted me in the morning: “last school day as a kid!” Tears filled my eyes immediately.  I would like to think you can still be a kid, at least some of the time, and at least here, at home, with me.  But I know we’re heading into a new season, embarking on a new path.  As always, all we have is trust and instinct and love.  But boy, do we have a lot of that.

I love you, GBP, always have, always will.  You’ll always be the girl who made me a mother, my first child, the baby who arrived after 2 straight days of back labor, screaming.  You burst everything open that morning at 11:20 am, October 26, 2002, and it’s never been the same again.  It hasn’t always been easy for me to reckon with that, as I know you know, but my God, I’d never, ever do if differently.  Welcome to your teens.

xox
Mum

previous birthday letters to Grace: twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six


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14 Comments

  1. Margo
    Posted October 26, 2015 at 2:09 am | Permalink

    Happy Birthday to Grace and Congratulations to you Lindsey. I aspire to face the teenage years with as much acceptance and support as you are showing Grace. It is truly a sign of your (and Matt’s) efforts and a reflection of the wonderful family you have built that you and Grace share the bond you do as you enter this phase. Good luck and enjoy. What an amazing Teen you have nurtured!! XO

  2. Posted October 26, 2015 at 5:13 am | Permalink

    Happy Birthday, Grace! You sound like quite the young lady. And thinking of you too, Lindsey. These birthdays are big for mamas too. I’m five years away from this pivotal moment and I already know it’ll feel like it happened in a blink once it arrives. Hope the day is just lovely.

  3. Nadine
    Posted October 26, 2015 at 7:03 am | Permalink

    Happy birthaday to your wise, smart, beautiful girl, and to you. I second Margo’s comment – if I can create that sort of bond with my son when he turns thirteen I’ ll be proud. You can be, of your girl and the family life you built. Best wishes!

  4. Posted October 26, 2015 at 10:06 am | Permalink

    happiest 13th birthday to Grace and to you. tears on the last lines of your letter. grateful we can travel, virtual arms linked, together. xoxo

  5. Kristen
    Posted October 26, 2015 at 10:44 am | Permalink

    Beautiful. As a mother to an almost 10 month old, I read your words with tears in my eyes. It all goes by so quickly. I hope that I am able to capture the moments with my little as you seem to do with both your children. Happy birthday to your little girl – because she always will be that to you, no matter the age.

  6. Debbie
    Posted October 26, 2015 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    Lindsey, Grace is a special person and it’s so evident in everything you say here. A singing friend of mine showed me a photo of her daughter who I haven’t seen since age 11. She’s now 20 and this friend says that she and her daughter are close friends and this is felt despite being away at college in PA. I see this kind of close relationship being something that you and Grace will always share.
    PS We had standard poodles growing up. They’re smart. beautiful and they don’t shed!

  7. Posted October 26, 2015 at 11:14 am | Permalink

    Oh Lindsey, whenever I read posts of yours like this, I always get the shivers, as if you’re giving me this preview into the future. My daughter, also colicky, also a tremendously painful back labor (but not 2 days, poor you!), is rapidly approaching eight, and I already am feeling the loss of her baby-ness, and the swiftly moving passage of time. I’m mourning it as I’m living it, though trying, TRYING, to enjoy the moments, even the mundane, or perhaps especially those. Your Grace is so lovely and beautiful and smart, and on the cusp of launching off, but having you there waiting at the finish line, “until the end of time” is what’s going to bring you both back together, as friends, as well as mother and daughter, after the bumpy road of adolescence passes.

  8. Posted October 26, 2015 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

    I am reading this as I watch my daughter in the middle of her tennis practice. She’s inching toward 10 and I cannot believe it happened in a blink. Your letter to Grace is beautiful and I love how your words honor her as well as motherhood. Happy Birthday, Grace. xo

  9. Posted October 26, 2015 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful letter to Grace. Happy Birthday Grace !

  10. Vani
    Posted October 26, 2015 at 11:36 pm | Permalink

    Happy Birthday Grace!!!
    Lindsey, once again you have brought tears. Many blessings to your family
    Vani

  11. Allie
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    I was teary up as I red this (my daughter just turned 11), and then I got to the part about the text she sent and lost it. Simply beautiful.

  12. Amy
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 11:45 am | Permalink

    This is simply beautiful. Grace sounds like a formidable young woman. I’m not surprised though. You are a wonderful role model.

  13. Posted October 28, 2015 at 10:30 am | Permalink

    I waited to read this until I was home alone because I knew it would make me weepy and it has. Just as beautiful as I knew it would be…

  14. brettne bloom
    Posted November 2, 2015 at 7:55 am | Permalink

    Gorgeous letter, as always, LMR (and sorry to just be catching up on my favorite blog reads now).

    Lovely Grace, I hope you are enjoying these early days on the other side of 13 (I just crossed the other side of 40 ten days ago, so you and i are both navigating unchartered territory!). It has been such a joy to watch you grow into such a kind, thoughtful and conscientious person–your name suits you perfectly, you are the epitome of Grace. Congratulations on being elected co-captain of your cross-country team! That’s such an honor and one I know you not only deserve but will wear well, with your typical humility and steadiness. Hope to see you and your amazing mother soon.

    xoxoxo Brettne

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  1. By A Few Friday Faves | being RUDRI on October 29, 2015 at 10:16 pm

    […] words are insightful and lyrical. Her musings often push me to tilt my perspective in some way. Her letter to her daughter on her 13th birthday brought me to tears – Lindsey captures the passage of time which lingers days after you read […]