Month: April 2014

Firsts and lasts

Feb05

My first baby and my last baby, February 2005

Years ago Whit remarked, in his now-classic casually offhand yet startlingly insightful way, that while Grace gets to have all the firsts in our family, he gets to have all the lasts.

And they just keep coming, firsts and lasts, piled on top of each other in a pile that grows so high it teeters and sometimes threatens to swamp me.

Last week at bedtime Grace was wistful and sad.  I scooted into her bed next to hear and leaned back against her pillow.  I asked her what was wrong.  She looked at me and let her tears come.  “Why does it have to go so fast?  I don’t want to grow up.  There are only one and a half years left of my childhood.”

“Wait a second!” My breath caught in my throat.  “What?  Why do you say that?”

“Well until I’m a teenager.”

Holy shit. I looked at her face, speechless.  I smoothed her hair behind her ear and watched her big, deep brown eyes as they studied me.  How many first are left?  I know there are so many ahead but there are also so many behind us.  So many firsts we’ll never have again.  I looked up at a self-portrait she made at age 3 in nursery school, when she was in the Yellow Room, which hangs over her bed.  Time telescoped and collapsed on itself.  I felt dizzy as all the hours, nights, weeks, and years that I have spent in this room with Grace, and all that we will never have back sudden filled the room, pressing in on me, and I couldn’t breathe.

The next morning I woke Whit up, and as I do every morning I knelt next to his bed and watched him for a few moments.  His entire life was visible in his sleeping face.  The scar by his eye from stitches on Christmas Eve 2010, which marked his second Christmas Eve in the Children’s Hospital ER in six years.  The blond hair that had so surprised me when he arrived.  The profile which I recognized from his ultrasound image, so many years ago.

So many lasts.  When I got Whit a new pair of sneakers last week I cried getting rid of the old ones, thinking: I won’t ever buy size 1 Nikes again.  In nine months I won’t have any children in the single digits.  Whit’s years as a Mite in hockey are over now.

The lasts are especially poignant because he is the last last.

I know.  I know.  There are so many new horizons to explore, so, so many firsts, experiences and adventures to share.  I know.  But still.  There are also so many lasts.  So many hours, days, weeks, and years that I can never get back.

This is truly the story I can’t stop telling, the song I can’t stop singing, the ringing bell whose echoes I can’t stop hearing.

What I wonder and what I have

While working motherhood, in all of its mess, trade-offs, and joy, is a topic that fascinates me, I have not written a lot here about my own professional life.  That’s interesting, when I think about it, since it’s something I’ve written about a lot elsewhere.  I wrote A Foot in Two Worlds for the Princeton Alumni Weekly and reflected on my work and personal choices for Poets & Quants.

It was with great interest, therefore, that I read KJ Dell’Antonia’s post on Motherlode, In Hindsight, is Stay-at-Home Parenting Something You’d Recommend.  Her assertion that those who are happiest, as working mothers, are those who have made flexibility a priority, really struck a chord with me.  There’s no question this has been my strategy: flexibility above all else.  And I’ve aimed for it with laser focus since I was very young.  I took a job in consulting out of college because I figured it left the maximum number of doors open.  I went to get an MBA as soon as possible, and coming out of business school I took a job in large part for the flexible road it put me on.  I’ve made choices since then that have continued to support that goal.

The thing is, I’ve felt ambivalent about this priority for the last couple of years.  Lean In made me doubt myself, though I very much enjoyed it.  And even before reading that book I have pondered, sometimes in private and sometimes aloud, what would have happened to me professionally if I hadn’t taken the flexible road at the age of 25, but instead really “gone for it” career-wise despite the questions marks that might have thrown up regarding a future of balancing home and work.

We all have what-might-have-beens, don’t we?  I actually think that every single person who is human lives in the shadow of them.

Though I definitely think about these professional what-ifs, I have concluded that I can live with them.

What I wonder about is a bigger career, perhaps one in the industry I always loved (retail), perhaps in another city.

What I have is flexibility.  I work a lot of hours every week – more in this job than in any other – but much of the time (not always) I have a lot of control over my time.  I work largely from home so I can be around to answer homework questions and to be at school plays a lot of the time.  There are definitely still times – a lot of them – when I feel overwhelmed by the demands on me and like I simply do not have space in my head for the running list of responsibilities.  Working from home has its downsides, of course, and I do sometimes wish I had a place to go that was just “mine” and where I was simply at work.  But on the whole, I would choose this, I realize over and over again.  I would choose this small office with the ringing phone which happens to be down the hall from Whit’s bedroom, this folding laundry while on conference calls, this being able to rush to pick-up if necessary, this endless list of to-dos that gets crossed off and then, magically, like mushrooms, repopulates the next day.

People often tell me I am lucky to have the professional set up that I have.  And I’ll be honest: without fail, that irritates me.  I feel tremendously fortunate, that is true, and yes, many things have broken my way.  But I also designed this life in my head from the very beginning, and made a great deal of choices to set it up this way.  To conclude that I landed in this career out of luck seems to dismiss the very real and concrete moves I made, and hard work I put in, to make it so.  I paid my dues as early as I could and I earned my credibility the only way I know how, through hard work.  I made choices that meant not making others, and I have regrets as does anyone else.

But I have flexibility. And I have a career I care about, that contributes meaningfully to my family’s income, and for better or for worse, my children are growing up with a working mother.  Most of the time I feel whole-heartedly, without reservation, happy about this.  It was affirming to read KJ say that it was flexibility that most correlated with satisfaction for other working parents.  That’s true for me.

 

a cherishing so deep

What the Living Do

Johnny, the kitchen sink has been clogged for days, some utensil probably fell down there.
And the Drano won’t work but smells dangerous, and the crusty dishes have piled up

waiting for the plumber I still haven’t called. This is the everyday we spoke of.
It’s winter again: the sky’s a deep, headstrong blue, and the sunlight pours through

the open living-room windows because the heat’s on too high in here and I can’t turn it off.
For weeks now, driving, or dropping a bag of groceries in the street, the bag breaking,

I’ve been thinking: This is what the living do. And yesterday, hurrying along those
wobbly bricks in the Cambridge sidewalk, spilling my coffee down my wrist and sleeve,

I thought it again, and again later, when buying a hairbrush: This is it.
Parking. Slamming the car door shut in the cold. What you called that yearning.

What you finally gave up. We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want
whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss—we want more and more and then more of it.

But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window glass,
say, the window of the corner video store, and I’m gripped by a cherishing so deep

for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I’m speechless:
I am living. I remember you.

– Marie Howe

Thank you to my dearly beloved sister, Hilary, for sharing this with me.

Raising strong girls (giveaway!)

Grace is hurtling towards adolescence with a speed that routinely makes me catch my breath.  It feels like yesterday I shared this piece about what I wanted her to know as she turned ten, and I actually wrote it two years ago.  When I hug her now the top of her head doesn’t even fit comfortably under my chin.  It’s very easy to mix up our pants when I’m folding laundry, and I can squeeze into her shoes, no problem.  I feel as though I’m entering a new, shaky season of motherhood, one more fraught and perilous than even the infant months which were very difficult for me.

I’m guided by a few key principles and one is to help Grace continue to feel good about herself as she moves into a time famously full of self-esteem pitfalls.  I am always looking for resources to support an environment of strength and positivity.  One area I’d love to see some innovation – and have thought about this as something I should do! – is clothing for tween girls.  There must be a middle ground between Justice and J.Crew?  Something that’s appealing to my daughter without forcing me to wade through the perfume-drenched, spring-break-bikini-athon that is Abercrombie?  Here are some of the resources that are front of mind for us right now.  If you have other suggestions and ideas, I would welcome them!

Books:

Grace reads a lot, and the books she reads often feature strong female role models.  I love Young Adult as a category and often read alongside her.  A few recent ones that we have both loved:

The Fault in Our Stars – Hazel might be my favorite narrator of all time.  Literally, of all time.  Funny, brilliant, honest, optimistic despite her situation.

Gathering Blue – The second book in Lois Lowry’s Giver quartet (which I worship), this is Grace’s favorite.  She chose to do her last book report of the year on it.  The narrator, Kira, is brave, human, and deeply relatable.

The Hunger Games (Book 1) – The book’s not new, but I only recently let Grace read it.  I think Katniss is a terrific role model, for her strength and courage, for the loyalty to her family, for her fierce love for and protection of Prim and others.

I read with enthusiasm about Allison Winn Scotch’s new endeavor, Moms Read Best, which will be a book referral and suggestion site focused on children.  I’m really looking forward to finding new titles to add to this list for Grace and also to find books that will capture Whit’s imagination.

Firebugs

Firebugs is a monthly book subscription service catered for girls ages 3-9 and their parents. Founded by seven women at Harvard Business School, their mission is to inspire confidence and leadership potential from an early age through enhanced story time, with themes like building confidence and self-esteem as well as analytical skills development. While this is too young for Grace, I love what the company is doing, and again, like supporting female entrepreneurs.  I am thrilled to offer $5 off a one-month ($15) Firebugs subscription to the first 10 to comment!

I’ve written about how much I love GiftLit, another book subscription site, and I love the empowering angle that Firebugs has put on this idea.

Yellowberry

I share founder Megan Grassell‘s horror at the over-sexualized underwear available for tween girls.  I’ve been shocked to see padded bras and bikini tops and a host of options that don’t feel right at all.  I love what she’s doing with Yellowberry, love the product, love the mission, love the message, and also love being able to support an entrepreneurial teen girl.  I will certainly be purchasing some Yellowberry products.

Do you have ideas, wisdom, or suggestions for me, as I forge ahead into this scary and uncharted territory of parenting a tween?

 

How She Does It: Amy Williams

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I’m delighted to feature Amy Williams in this months’ How She Does It interview.  Amy is the President of Citizens for Humanity jeans, a mother of five (three amazing stepchildren and twin daughters), a reader, a thinker, an absolutely wonderful human being, and someone I’m honored to call my friend.

It was a tremendous privilege and a huge pleasure to have lunch with Amy in New York last year, and I only wish we lived closer to each other.  I know that many of the questions and issues that preoccupy me are central to her life as well, and I love following her on Twitter and Instagram.  I am thrilled to share her thoughtful answers with you today.

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 Tell me about the first hour of your day?  (I often describe mine as being “fired out of a cannon”)

It all depends what you count as the first hour…Evelyn who is 4 ½ does not have the best sleep habits ( entirely my fault ) and usually comes into our room at 2 or 2:30 am. She comes over to my side of the bed and whispers “Mama” and I then pull her into bed and snuggle with her until about 5 or 5:30 am when I often describe her as being “shot out of a canon,” we let our dog Percy out, and I wander into the Kitchen for black ice coffee for me. My husband wakes up a couple minutes before this routine and is typically reading the NYT in the Kitchen. She and I cuddle on the couch, watch tv and then soon start some art project while all the other kids come to life. From there..Scott makes our oldest Jackson breakfast and takes him to High School ( he is a sophomore ) and I make Ben and Sophie breakfast, get them ready for the day and take them to school..our car is for sure more fun and includes the girls and Percy!

I work from a home office much of the week and then travel to LA a day or two a week and on occasion to NYC, Europe and Japan. I am incredibly fortunate to spend time with the kids until they go to school or our nanny comes and not have to spend time commuting each day. I think it makes me more focused both with them and at work.

Each week, I go to LA for the day and the routine is totally different. 5 am wake up call, shower and taxi to the airport. Emails on the way and sometimes an early morning call. Airplane ride to LA is usually filled with work and ride home is usually magazine reading or catching up on Parenthood or Downton Abbey.

Do you have a work uniform that you rely on for getting dressed?  What is it?

Citizens of Humanity jeans of course, often a white shirt or black silk top and my most recent love..Celine Pony Van’s.  When I am in LA or going to meetings…A heel instead of the Celine Van’s, a Stella Mcartney black blazer which I have made too much of a “uniform” or another jacket or Soyer sweater.

How do you and your spouse reserve conflicts about scheduling?

We actually don’t have too many conflicts about it now…as much as we have conflicts about our style. I love calendars and organization and LOVE planning in advance. He goes more day by day which is a good (and likely better strategy ) when managing 5 kids and joint custody.  I don’t always do a great job communicating and have gotten MUCH better and we still struggle with managing between two houses and a third style of communication and expectations.

Do you second-guess yourself?  What do you do when that happens?

As a parent, often but it is lessening as I get older, as a person same…as a professional, not that much.

What time do you go to bed?

9:30. Sometimes earlier which is a TOTAL luxury.

Do you exercise?  If so, when?

I have been again and it makes a WORLD of difference to me. On the weekends, in the morning if I can or in the late afternoon…During the week when traveling I LOVE SoulCyle and love that I can walk to one in LA and one in NYC from my favorite hotels. At home, newly addicted to Body by Simone TV 30-40 min videos that are great or a hike near our house..

Do you cook dinner for your kids?  Do you have go-to dishes you can recommend?

I’ve been cooking more though my husband is a REALLY good, intuitive, use-what-you-have cook. I love ALL of Ina’s books and my go-to’s are all from her…Turkey sausage lasagna is great for sleepovers, Parmesan crusted chicken, Bloody Mary tri-tip and a favorite re-creation of the Ivy grilled veggie salad with shrimp.

Do you have any sense of how your children feel about your working?

I think the girls wish I did not work BUT love the person who takes care of them…they ask me to do things with them in the morning and I often wish I could..I don’t really know what the older kids think though I hope that since they were 2, 4 and 7 when Scott and I met that they know that I love them and that all of the decisions he and I have always made about life and work have been with the kids in mind first. We choose to start our business because of them and what it would allow us to do and be as parents, and decided to leave it, work with Citizens of Humanity for the same reason.

What is the single piece of advice you would give another working mother?

Be Kind to yourself and know what your REAL and your own priorities are..For example, I say no to a lot of social things that don’t involve our family when I am home. At the end of the day, I am lucky to have a husband who is my best friend, kids that I adore, a few friends that I cherish and couples/friends that have similar values. I love the team I work with and don’t feel like it is work…

And, inspired by Vanity Fair, a few quick glimpses into your life:

Favorite Artist?

Elizabeth Peyton

Favorite jeans?

Citizens of Humanity Emerson Fit

Shampoo you use?

Cowshed

Favorite book?

Anything by Dani Shapiro

Favorite quote?

Live as if there is no tomorrow.

Favorite musician?

Amos Lee

Favorite item (toy, clothing, or other) for your children?

Our treehouse built with so much love

 Thank you, Amy!!  

This series is inspired by many things, but most recently and significantly by the blog What Would Gwyneth Do and her marvelous series, I Don’t Know How She Does It.