Eleven years old

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Dear Grace,

Eleven.  It is the ultimate cliche, and the most unavoidable truth: where did the time go?  I swear it was minutes ago that I pulled you onto my chest, your squalling, red face as foreign to me as I’d been told it would be familiar.

Since your arrival we have had many years of sunlight, of startling beauty and stomach-hurting laughter and before-bed hugs so sweet my heart physically aches.  It is impossible for me to convey how much I love you, my Gracie girl.  I wish I could.  What I can do is try to capture who you are right now, at this moment, as I’ve tried to do every year on your birthday.  You are standing on a fulcrum, poised between two worlds, a liminal creature flitting back and forth across an invisible but indelible border, the little girl you were and the young woman you’re becoming both visible in your face.

You are in fifth grade.  You love to read.  Every night as I tuck you in I perch on your comforter covered with peace signs and wait as you finish your page (or, more often, your chapter).  Your brown hair splays on the peace sign-printed pillow behind you and you finally, reluctantly, slide a bookmark between the pages.

You say prayers every night, and they are simple and always the same.  You begin “Thank you for …” and list things that you are grateful for.  I never taught you this, and I love that it is how you instinctively end the day.  More often than not you say something about being thankful to live in this wonderful world and every single time it brings tears to my eyes.  Every night that I stand in your door and say I love you and that I’ll see you in the morning, I’m aware of what an extraordinary, incandescent privilege it is to say those words.

This year you joined a club soccer team and the level of instruction and play went way up from the town team you’d been a part of for several years.  I don’t think you have ever actually worked at a sport before, but you are now, and it’s extraordinary to watch the results.  I was at your game, several weeks ago, when you scored your first goal.  The smile on your face was unlike any I’ve ever seen.  And then, just last weekend, your undefeated team suffered their first loss.  You were playing goalie, and you let in the other team’s winning goal.  You were absolutely devastated by feeling that you had let down your team.  I didn’t like seeing you sad, but I was actually glad that you took responsibility for what happened and am certain you learned something from the experience.  Just yesterday, you played the exact same team again.  You had been anxious on and off all week about this game, aware of what you felt was a failing on your part and desperate to beat them.  Your coach may call you “little Gracie,” but you were downright ferocious on the field.  Determination radiated from you.  With one minute left in the game, you made the game-winning goal.  Sweet redemption.

It’s clearer and clearer to both of us that I’m a strict mother, and that you are going to be slower to have (phones, a late bedtime) and watch (TV shows, PG-13 movies) certain things than most of your classmates. Once in a while we talk about this, and you always tell me that you like being a kid still, and that you understand that there’s no reason to rush towards adulthood.  Who knows how long this understanding will last, but for now I do get the sense that you’re grateful for boundaries.

You love top 40 radio and we sing along, together, when we’re driving.  Right now we particularly like belting out Roar, Wrecking Ball, and Royals.

Friendships are still a complicated area for you.  You are completely devoted to your best friend from camp, miss her every day, and are counting minutes until your annual trip to visit.  You’re still finding your way through the murky swamp that is fifth grade friendship, and you are sometimes thrown off balance by the way that loyalties can shift.

You and Whit love each other but you also fight a lot.  I call you The Bickersons, and many mornings you’re huffy and aggravated with each other by breakfast.  But you also have your arm around him in every single picture I take and one of your favorite things is to tuck him in (including performing the Ghostie Dance) when I am not home to do so.

You worry so, so much about pleasing other people, Grace.  Lately I have observed that when I ask your opinion about something, instead of offering it, you often say you’ll do want whatever I want.  This is drawn straight from my playbook, my girl, and I can therefore tell you authoritatively it’s not a path to happiness. You have to learn to say what you want, what you think, and what you mean.  The people who are worth having in your life will appreciate this.  I promise.  It’s something you and I are talking about, and I want fiercely to steer you away from road of pleasing others above all else that I walked for a long time.

You are tall and lean and your shiny brown hair has a marked wave in the back.  You like it when I put it into two wet braids after a shower.  Your cleft chin and deep mahogany eyes are so familiar to me that sometimes I fall into them.  Your feet are huge and I can already tell you’re going to be taller than I am.  You still have a little girl’s body but all around you your classmates are changing shape and I know what lies ahead.

The truth is that I am afraid of what comes along with this physical change, of the separation that I know has to happen between us as you move into your own young adult self.  I know that the closeness between us had so stretch, and I want so much to trust that it will come back, a different amalgam, yes, but still there.

As much as I dread this looming transition, though, I’m even more devoutly sure that it has to happen.  The ache in my heart doesn’t matter as much as does giving you the space you need to move into your own dance.  It’s not that you haven’t been dancing already, but a different music is playing now, and the choreography is starting to change.  I vow that I will never stop listening to your list of what you are thankful for, tipping my face up to look at the funny-shaped clouds you notice, baking you homemade birthday cakes, or holding your hand if you want.  I’ll be here to braid your hair and listen to your disappointments and hear you read your book report on Umbrella Summer out loud.  But I’ll take a deep breath and turn away from your closed door, too, and watch you walk down the jetway to an airplane by yourself and not ask you what you talked to someone about if you choose to keep it private.

You have taught me so very many things, but among the most important is that all we can do is look to what’s coming and greet it with eyes and arms open.  It’s time for me to start living that lesson, Grace, my dear girl, my only daughter.

Happy eleven, my Grace, my grace, the girl who made me a mother, my first baby, one of my two greatest teachers.  I love you.

Mummy

Previous birthday letters to Grace are here: ten, nine, eight, seven, six.


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17 Comments

  1. Posted October 28, 2013 at 4:16 am | Permalink

    I love this, especially all the small day to day details like the wet braids and the Bickersons. I needed to read this today. My daughter is only 7 but boy does she give me a run for my money….today I will try and slow down and remember that it’s all “normal”.” Or something;)

    admin Reply:

    The Bickersons are a big part of my life! I agree with you that the day to day details are important, and I love reading/hearing them about others’ lives, too. As I said in my comment, I’m so glad to have found your blog!

  2. Posted October 28, 2013 at 7:25 am | Permalink

    Gorgeous. We are experiencing so many of these same things at our house. I love reading about them in your perfect words.

    admin Reply:

    I know … you’re in a similar moment. Thank goodness I know we are walking this path alongside each other! xox

  3. Posted October 28, 2013 at 7:29 am | Permalink

    This post is so extraordinary. Thank you for letting us glimpse both your daughter and you.

    admin Reply:

    Thank YOU. What a generous thing to say. xox

  4. Kathie
    Posted October 28, 2013 at 8:01 am | Permalink

    Beautiful. Sniffling and smiling simultaneously! xo

    admin Reply:

    And I am smiling thinking of the rainbow bubbles at the carwash. xox

  5. Posted October 28, 2013 at 8:04 am | Permalink

    I am a huge fan of birthday letters, and yours to Grace are always exquisite. She will undoubtedly treasure reading them over and over again throughout her life. What an amazing keepsake you are creating for her. Eleven is the age that I seem to have the most trepidation about my own daughter reaching (though she’s still got 5 more years to go). I think it’s because I got my period on my eleventh birthday, and it was the ultimate physical marker between girl and young woman. It is one of the few days I can remember so clearly. Yet even aside from that (and who knows just when that will happen for my daughter), you capture this time so well when you write “You are standing on a fulcrum, poised between two worlds, a liminal creature flitting back and forth across an invisible but indelible border, the little girl you were and the young woman you’re becoming both visible in your face.” Yes, yes, yes. This is the very essence of eleven. I hope you both have a beautiful journey through it together, tears, belly laughs and all.

    admin Reply:

    I am crying on the train reading this comment. Thank you. xox

  6. Posted October 28, 2013 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    Welcome to Eleven, Grace and Lindsey. It’s not a quiet sea, but it can still be beautiful in its own way. Luckily, you are one who most always sees the beauty in the quiet and the roils. Hang on.

    Love to you both!

    admin Reply:

    What a wonderful image. Thank you. I’m so grateful your boat is right next to mind in this particular ocean!! xoxo

  7. Posted October 28, 2013 at 8:57 am | Permalink

    This is so lovely, Lindsey. Happy birthday to you both. I’ve been feeling so much of these exact things lately with my Stella. Cheers to your sweet Grace!

    admin Reply:

    Thank you. xox

  8. Posted October 28, 2013 at 9:18 am | Permalink

    Oh, how I adore these letters to your children. Such a wisdom in recognizing who Grace is now and also honoring who she is becoming, all the while learning who you are and choosing how to move forward with each piece. Grace is a beautiful reflection of who you are as a mother, friend, and human being: beautiful.

    My mother was not the mother she wanted to be with me, and I have no doubt that if she could have been, it would have looked a lot like the mother you are with your sweet Grace. Thank you for this gift, on behalf of all of us.

    admin Reply:

    Oh, Dian- this makes me cry. Thank YOU. I’m just making my way through, stumbling a lot, and it means a lot to hear you say that you see something good in what I’m doing and sharing! xoxo

  9. Posted October 28, 2013 at 9:27 am | Permalink

    Happy Birthday to your Grace! My daughter turns eleven today, too, so your letter rings so close to my heart. I see my daughter walking that rope between girl and young woman, that rope we have all walked, and it takes everything I have somedays to let go of her hands as she makes her own way, as she maintains her own balance.

    admin Reply:

    I LOVE knowing that our girls are only two days apart!! Yes, that tightrope … it’s so hard, to holding on and letting go. xox

  10. Posted October 28, 2013 at 9:33 am | Permalink

    Just gorgeous.

    admin Reply:

    Thank you!

  11. Posted October 28, 2013 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Is it weird to say that I always look forward to reading these letters? Your insights paired with your beautiful writing are such a gift – both to your daughter and to your readers. Thank you for sharing this wonderful tradition with us. Much love to you and your girl today and always. xoxo

    admin Reply:

    Thank YOU. Not weird – incredibly nice. xoxo

  12. Posted October 28, 2013 at 11:52 am | Permalink

    Oh My. You know I feel this. Also, so glad you are also a strict mom – now I can tell my almost 11 year old “See, I’m NOT the only one!!” xoxo

    admin Reply:

    You are definitely NOT the only one!! :) xoxo

  13. Posted October 28, 2013 at 7:35 pm | Permalink

    What a beautiful letter! Thank you so much for sharing!!

    admin Reply:

    Thank you, dear one. xox

  14. Posted October 29, 2013 at 1:35 pm | Permalink

    Oh, Lindsey. This is beautiful, truly. It makes me think about my own “Gracie girl” (which is what I call her), who is only eight-and-a-half, but growing up so quickly. I am also worried about her tendency towards pleasing others–actually writing about this subject now. xoxo

    admin Reply:

    I can’t wait to read it. xox

  15. Posted October 29, 2013 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful and a bit of a tug on the heartstrings. Have I ever told you our daughters (my eldest) share a name? And while mine has just turned 12, I recognize so much of what you write – the same amazement, the same worries and fears. This mama gig isn’t for the faint of heart.

    PS: Today at the library my girl took your suggestion and checked out The One and Only Ivan – she cracked the cover as soon as she was in the car :)

    admin Reply:

    I didn’t realize you had a Grace as well! I love that. And let me know what she thinks of The One and Only Ivan … all three of us loved it. xox

  16. Posted October 30, 2013 at 12:03 pm | Permalink

    What a beautiful letter! Trust me, your daughter will always be grateful for these letters!

  17. Posted November 16, 2013 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    You know, whenever I see a picture of your daughter, I think about how she really radiates her name. Grace.

    admin Reply:

    That’s about the nicest thing ever. Thank you. xox