Where I’ve Been

Inspired by the luminous, brilliant, brave, and generous Jena Strong

Watching my children leap into the pool at their grandparents’ house, the bald eagle on the roof of the building next door, the morning sky cracking open into pale radiance as the sun comes up during my morning runs.

Walking out to the end of the pier into the ocean, our shadows long in front of us on the faded wooden planks.

Listening to Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Taylor Swift on my running mix in the mornings.  And sometimes Selena Gomez.

Feeling tired, and a little bit broken, and lonely, and sorrowful, but aware that we are on the cusp of spring and hoping that is true in every sense of the word.

Admiring, awestruck, sunsets over the Gulf of Mexico full of grandeur and holiness.  And sometimes the flocks of birds that fly, at dusk, across the sky.

Eating macaroni and cheese, grapefruit, Eggo waffles, and Dove dark chocolates.

Writing not nearly enough.  When I do, I’m mostly trying to write fiction.  Stumbling.  Continuing to try.  Working on a couple of essays.  Feeling the pull to this space, here, more powerfully than I have in a long time.

Trying to let go of my white-knuckle grip on life’s steering wheel.  The wheel is one of those artificial ones, anyway, installed in the passenger side, without any actual power to drive.  I know that, but still I grab for it, over and over again.

Reading memoir upon memoir after a novel phase.  Just reread most of the oeuvre of the late, great Laurie Colwin.

Working a lot, and on the whole really enjoying it.  Remembering that my “real job” is something I care about, a lot, for a lot of reasons.

Holding onto the things I know to be true, even as so many things shift around me, even the ground under my feet.

 


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6 Comments

  1. Kathie
    Posted March 19, 2012 at 6:31 am | Permalink

    I love your steering wheel reference! I completely relate to that. One of the hardest lessons for me is that I cannot control everything, and what I am trying to do, more so lately as my kids get older and I approach 40, is to enjoy the ride and the wonder of not trying to control it all. It is harder than I would like to admit! This is one of the reasons that I now see why sleep away camp is good for both kids and parents!

  2. Posted March 19, 2012 at 6:40 am | Permalink

    Love.

  3. Posted March 19, 2012 at 6:51 am | Permalink

    I hope spring will bring you what you want… the right balance between control and letting go. I’ve enjoyed your photos from the trip.

  4. Posted March 19, 2012 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    Love the beauty you share here always with your heart wide open. Sending you big hugs and hoping your trip was amazing!

  5. Posted March 19, 2012 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    Was the Selena Gomez line for me? 🙂 xo

  6. Posted March 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm | Permalink

    Where you’ve been sounds an awful lot like where I’ve been. I hope you are well my friend, no I am here reading and thinking of you. xo

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  1. By Something Good « A Thousand Shades of Gray on March 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

    […] “Where I’ve Been” from A Design So Vast. […]