“Another person is like a geode lined with hidden glittering.” – Catherine Newman
I believe this to be true. I believe this with all my might. I’ve been privileged enough to have gazed at this glittering, in awe, inside another person.
What I’m contemplating, lately, is that if I believe this about others, I might have to believe that it is also be true of me. Right? The last few nights, lying in bed before I fall asleep, I have seen a twinkling behind my eyelids. I can’t describe it other than that – but I’m wondering if it’s the hidden glittering winking at me. On the rare occasions that I let myself lean into a wave of trust, I can imagine that there is a whole universe sparkling inside of me. An expansive space, a black sky speckled with constellations whose forms I don’t yet know how to read.
I have only seen passing glimpses of this world, and, frankly, only recently. Why has it taken me so long to see it? I suspect that it’s because to do so I need to squeeze my eyes closed, need to to firmly shut out all outside input, advice, and approval. I have to go dark, as I wrote about in January. While I’m drawn to this, like the reverse of a moth to a flame, it remains hard for me.
I wonder why all that is within me is pressing on the insides of my eyelids right now, trying to get my attention. I guess it makes sense: this has been a tumultuous time, limned with a lingering shadow of farewell that I still don’t quite understand. Perhaps all of that transition and letting go is making room for something burrowed within me that hasn’t had the space – or time, or courage, or what? – to come forth before. Perhaps all of this is just the fundamental not-knowing of midlife sinking in, the beginning, at last, of my accepting that my home is inside the questions and not the answers. Maybe I’m finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and my body is beginning to offer up deeply-buried messages.
I don’t know.
I do know that I’ve glimpsed a planetarium sky that I want to study, to watch, to learn by heart. I want to live there.
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