I described this week how it is easier for me to answer “what don’t you do?” than “what do you do?” That’s for sure true. Likewise, there are certain thing I’ve never done that have become defining characteristics for me. At least, in my own head. Certain experiences I have never had that I cling to because they say who I am. I’d list them but they are private. Okay, fine, two examples are: Watch Star Wars. Be on Facebook.
And I realize that is ridiculous. Ridiculous. Who I am is solid as marble (or should be). Who I am is not defined by something I have or have not done. Just as I wrote in my earlier post, what we do and do not do is a deeply imperfect reflection of who we are, not at all a complete picture. Of course it isn’t. In fact, isn’t relying on those external indicators, those small things, to judge either our own or someone else’s self kind of a copout? A shortcut that is easier than actually getting to know who we – or they are?
I wonder if I cling to these external markers of identity so fiercely because without them I feel lost. Without hanging on to the edge of the dock that concrete definitions represent – until my fingertips are white! – I am bobbing alone in the sea. And that is terrifying. I’m not a great swimmer. And in the ocean of Identity, Meaning, Self-Confidence? I can barely do the doggie paddle.
But I have to trust. What’s my option? I have been doing an online course about creativity and manifesting our dreams, Mondo Beyondo, which has really made me think. I haven’t dedicated as much time or attention to it as I wish I had, but I have read every “lesson” post that the two teachers have shared. Many of them have clanged around in my brain like a loud gong, their echoes coming up again and again. One lesson in particular was about how sometimes, to get to our dreams, we have to disassemble significant things. The piece asserted that while we assume that “living our dreams” is a positive, happy thing, it can actually require a significant amount of letting go, breaking down, breaking through.
What does that mean for me right now? I’m still figuring it out. But I think part of it is about letting go of these silly things I’ve clung to that tell me who and what I am. Or, really, that I think tell others who and what I am. I am not saying I am going to do all of those things I’ve never done, run wildly into the wall of reckless abandon, change my behavior in a radical way. Of course I’m not! Frankly many of the things I haven’t done and don’t do are because I have no interest!
But I am going to try to let go of those definitions. I am going to try to trust that those who matter really care about a much more fundamental me. I am going to try to believe that identity, and personhood, is much more essential than superficial indicators suggest. And that mine – my identity, my personhood, my self – is enough just as it is.
Who you are to me is someone who made my day by taking the time to leave a comment on my fledgling blog. For months I have admired your clear and insightful voice; it was humbling for me to see your words alongside my own. You are a writer who has given me strength and a sense of community during some of my own dark days. I don't know you except through your writing here, but the words that you have shared define you as a woman I emulate.
Kristen
mothereseblog.blogspot.com
My take is that who we are is somewhat solid, like the rocky core of a gaseous planet maybe, and the rest of us swirls around the core, changing and morphing.
This is profound to me. I do believe we define ourselves by the STUFF. Because we are physical beings. It is the stuff to which we attach, or don’t attach… that gives our life our collage.
It’s how I see the people around me.