Week two. Things are going well. I absolutely love everyone I’ve met at Providence, and am excited about the challenges ahead and the things they want me to take on. One thing that has surprised me is how keenly I feel the absence of Nana and Ba these days. Even Grammy. Driving down 95 I pass Walpole, and then pass the old Children’s Museum that I vividly remember visiting with Hils & Nana & Ba when we were little. They are so much a part of my days, in a weird way – and I wish they could know that in some small way I’m a Providence girl now. I guess I have to believe that they do.

Don’t have any actual reports … burned a CD for the first time on this mac (I LOVE this mac!) and have been listening to that in the car. Excellent stuff. Next frontier: setting up the ipod in the car.

The daffodils above are to celebrate the near arrival of spring – you can tell it’s over the horizon though I realize it could be another month! And daffies always remind me of Lisa, so they’re for her.

Entering the season of birthdays – for some reason so many people in my life have March, April, and May birthdays. Hannah turns one this weekend, which seems extraordinary to me – I honestly feel as though it was last week that Hils was in endless early labor and then that Gracie and I made our big field trip down to visit.




So, a few Treo pictures of the new office. Week one was a success. I’m getting absolutely no guidance so have to jump in with both feet and figure this out. That’s a touch intimidating but off I go. I have this whole empty credenza top so must buy more frames! Emay’s delightful green leather frame with C, E, L monograms is there with me as well as several pictures of Grace & Whit.
Reading Cookie last night I came upon an article about that most tired of chestnuts, the work-life balance topic … ostensibly a review of several of the latest books on the topic, the writer makes some observations that I can’t get out of my head. I suppose in a week in which I’m reveling in being AWAY from the home and the children they feel salient:

“Women have been granted more freedom, both in the workplace and in marriage, and now we must make our myriad decisions and live with the guilty consequences. Perhaps this is our generation’s feminine mystique. As a result, we can count on a fine tremor of nervous discontent running through so many mothers’ lives, a queasy feeling that somehow somewhere someone is doing a better job of pulling it all off. Perhaps this is why many of these manifestos are so extreme … buried within the rhetoric, though, is a persistent truth: we are desperate for answers.”

“Once, when I was in my mid-20s, living on my own, childless, and still unaware that adulthoood would eventually require life-defining compromise, my boyfriend asked me if I was a feminist. ‘Well,’ I stalled, ‘actually I think I’m something newer.'”

“I crave a narrative that captures the woolly contradictions without having to shoehorn them into a tidy thesis. [the novel] should be required reading alongside the nonfiction tomes about work-life balance. Together they paint a vivid picture of the impossible upheaval of motherhood and our eternal grasp for resolution.”

“The experience of motherhood is unwieldy…Navigating it requires a vigilant and, at times, lonely sense of self.”

“Friedan herself said it best when autographing her first reader copy of The Feminine Mystique: “Courage to us all on the new road.”


Day one in Providence yesterday. It was great! The drive took me an hour in the morning, which wasn’t unpleasant. I started moving into my office and met everyone who was in the office. Lunch in the upstairs dining room was a nice diversion – took me back to the Ivy Club days with the take-the-next-available-seat norm, the white china & napkins. I know it sounds kind of absurd but I think it does function as a nice way to get everyone to actually interact.

Grace was so cute yesterday morning. The first thing she said to me upon waking up was, “Mummy, is today the day of your first job?” and then she had some nice commentary for me, including “Mummy, I’m going to get used to your new job. Don’t worry!” and “Are you nervous about your new job, Mummy? I think you are going to like it and make new friends.” When did she get so wise and grown-up??

Pictures are this morning – Whit got into my lipstick (again!) and Grace was happy to curl up in our bed.

“I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive.”

I grow weary of Grey’s Anatomy, but I just love Izzie Stephens’ character. Wow. She is brave and flawed and vulnerable and honest and not afraid to speak her mind and heart. I love her fierce loyalty and her stubborn refusal to give up hope even when the facts line up in opposition to what she wants.

And, of course, she’s a doctor, which I just think is the coolest thing.

Off to the CES dragon dance assembly, and then to BCG to hand in my computer/cards/etc … here I come, future! I will arm myself with Izzie’s armor and hope it helps deflect some of the terror I’m feeling right now.

I am sorting through six years of personal emails I’d archived on the BCG system. It’s making me really sentimental! I’m reading messages from Quincy, Lisa, Beth Perez, Amy Glass, Jeri Herman, Mike Halperson, my parents, Lacy, and lots and lots from Matt. I am reminded of lots of things I forgot – like the fact that I provided Jesse Johnson with his wedding readings (what???) and that Dave McCoy was an incredible support to Matt during the first days of his dad’s illness. This one from Dad in particular (in response to a message from me to him called “parenting one day at a time” about the extraordinary speed with which it goes, and the sense that every day is a loss of some kind) really resonates today, for some reason:

Lins:
Your message is full of the pathos of parenting, as I remember it, and still experience it with you. Children are powerful precisely because they want, above all else, to grow up and become masterful. Imagine how you would feel if you knew that Grace would somehow stop growing up and instead remain the same? It would be a kind of living death. Her power and
your feelings are rooted in the thrill you have every day at her increasing mastery of life, a life she grabs with both hands. She is engaged becoming every day more of who she will be. So are you. Now you are a mother, and now a mother with two!

The bittersweet we feel is really only our sense of mortality at realizing that each phase in life is experienced only once, and that the direction must always be forward. We can never go back to Paris, from which all the pain, but not the joy, has been washed away by memory. We can never see you and Hilary lighting up the sidewalk and turning heads on the way to the
Luxembourg. We can never have the joy, again, of seeing you running on all cylindars at Princeton, or at BCG. You did not know, how could you have, how you showed up: masterful, brilliant, engaged. This is every parent’s joy, a child who is engaged and able to make his/her way in the world. Who goes from stength to srtrength. You should only remember to relish the moments, one by one. Though each comes only once, the memories can last forever. They are life’s great joy, especially at times, and they will come, when we are tested by fate and fortune.

I am greatly warmed by the fact that you sent me this message, and to know that even you have these trhoughts. They are in my mind every day.

Love,

Dad

If only I could learn this lesson – what will it take for me to internalize this? To live in each moment as it passes, as Thoreau says … and to be here now (Ram Dass). A daily struggle for me. Always looking ahead. I have so rarely in my life wished for time to slow down … usually I’m already five steps ahead and anticipating the next thing.

“I should be grateful that life is here today, though gone tomorrow, but I can’t help it. I want more.” – Louise Erdrich, The Blue Jay’s Dance